Amazing. Unbelievable. Sooo Hard. Miracle. Spiritual. Intense. Answer to Prayer.
Those are some of the adjectives that come to mind when I think about what just happened less then 24 hours ago and already seems like a dream, and in some ways a nightmare as most who have experienced natural birth unmedicated can relate to.
If you are okay with the simple facts, refer to Spencer's blog. If however you enjoy a good, long, detailed birth story, read on. (readership just went down at least 90%!)
Those who have been following know that I have been under some pressure to be induced and that I went from being convinced to remembering my convictions. I finally agreed that I would be induced next Tuesday if I didn't do it on my own before. Well, God answered my prayers (and the prayers of many praying on my behalf, THANK YOU) and I things began to happen.
Last week I really started to feel Braxton Hicks every day and fairly often. This alone was encouraging but no guarantee of anything. I was told I was effaced 0% and dilated to a 1 on Thursday. Not much to go on. But on Friday afternoon my contractions began to be slightly painful, like mild period cramps, for those who know, and they were averaging to be about 4 times an hour. Jennie and I had a girl night (and kids of course) while our husbands went to Stake priesthood meeting. During Pride and Prejudice I told Jennie she may be watching our kids later that night because my contractions were really starting to move into the lower abdomen and back. My contractions continued throughtout the whole night. This meant intermittent sleep but I was hopeful that it was for a worthy cause. When I woke up I really felt that this might be it, though I kept my head on straight and remained skeptical all day so as not to be really let down if instead it was a cruel trick of nature and labor suddenly stopped. But everything I know told me I was in labor. I had been in labor since at least around 9 pm, if not sooner. And I also told myself even if this was really labor that would end in a baby that it would take at least 24 hours, judging by my previous experience and the fact that the early stage had already gone all night.
I told Spencer, "my plans for today are to have a baby, take a bath, get some chores done, and go on a walk. (of course not in that order)." He said, "OKay, whatever you want" in a way that told me he also remained skeptical. I kept saying,"I know you don't believe me, but I'm really thinking this is going to happen." I became more sure though still wary as the day wore on. I began to have contractions strong enough that they required some focus. I did some pelvic rocks and hand and knee positions to relieve some of the backache, and my two cute kids joined me. Cado said, "oh I can do that!" And then Paisley added the same and they got down on the ground to go through some contractions with me. Paisley was very sweet also through some of them as she held my head in her lap and stroked my hair and loved me.
For the most part I just handled the contractions on my own all day using practiced relaxation techniques and planned to just keep going and moving until the contractions forced me to stop. I have to say I was feeling really good about my ability to "float" through the pain and stay busy. The point where I had to stop for them came around 1 pm. I had hoped our walk would take place a bit sooner in the day before my contractions were at that point but I was still able to move between contractions and wanted to do anything to keep going, keep my mind off it, and help things along. So we decided just to walk to the corner grocery store to buy dishsoap! Every 2-3 minutes we'd stop while Spencer supported me through a contraction. They were getting more painful. At Coop during one of my contractions, I experienced a sudden gush of wetness in the lower regions, and my heart and soul, and possibly lips shouted HALLELUJAH! This was such an exciting moment for me. A prayer of thanks sprung from my heart immediately. I knew at this point that my suspicions were correct, that this was really happening, that the contractions were for real. I really was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude and joy. I finally allowed myself to truly believe and get excited.
Spencer got us all home as quick as he could, shepherding the children along and letting me hang on him every few steps. After the losing of the waters, the contractions almost immediately got more intense. I was anxious to be able to focus on relaxation completely and not be walking around. I was also feeling quite anxious about getting to the hospital. Spencer called Brent Cowan who came to get the kids, called a taxi and finished getting all our stuff ready. I continued to have gushes of water and frequent contractions. The taxi came around 2:30. I laid my head on Spencer's lap as he talked me through contractions. The taxi driver was a bit stressed by taking an intensely laboring woman to the hospital and at one point I was almost flung off the seat when a car apparently stopped abruptly in front of him. But we got there quickly.
When we arrived I got into the gown and then they did a vaginal exam. After already 18 hours of labor, 2 of which were more inense, and losing my water, I felt sure of progress. She announced, "dilated to 1 cm." And that's all she had to say. (though I believe that I was completely effaced or close to because here that is assumed before they even talk about dilation) I almost lost it right then, and probably would have if it had not been for my amazing husband. I said, "NO! its happening all over again! I can't do this! My body just doesn't work!" etc. (with Paisley I worked hard with contractions for around 12 hours and was only at a 3, etc). He was firm and loving and told me it didn't mean anything, everything would line up, etc. I don't know how he knew this but fortunately he was right. In our Bradley Method training one of the most useful things we studied recently (from a book I highly recommend to any woman whether she wants an unmedicated birth or not, "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way") is Emotional Signposts. If we had understood this concept with Paisley things might have been a bit different. First there is excitement, then seriousness, then self-doubt. When self-doubt comes you usually have reached Transition which is the hardest, but shortest part of labor right before pushing. He read that sign and went with it.
The part of labor that has concerned me the most as we approached this birth is Transition. This is because it is the most intense and difficult, and I did not experience it with Paisley because I had an epidural at that point. When they told me I was close to pushing we turned off the epidural so I could experience pushing, but I did not experience the hardest part of labor, and I feel like even without experiencing that I can say my labor was hard. So I was a bit fearful that I would not be able to handle it. And with good reason. Now I know that I have never experienced physical pain until NOW.
Transition is HARD. And that word doesn't do it justice. I discussed it with my friend Alma today and we had the same words and feelings about it. I told Spencer there is nothing natural about the pain of Transition. It does not feel right. Though I have never experienced it, I can only imagine it feeling similar to someone attacking your abdomen and back with knives. It is literally that painful. Its hard to put words to it. It is bigger than you, it turns you into a nothing. It overwhelms. I KNOW I could not have endured it without the constant, loving support, faith and encouragement of my wonderful husband. I must have cried out to God at least 100 times going through that hour of excruciating pain. You really think "I cannot endure this. I can't do this. Take it away! Make it stop! Somebody save me!" You feel like a victim of some crime. It's truly insane. I find it incredibly hard to believe after going through it that there are women who can say (and there are) that childbirth is painless. I thought I could understand that during the rest of my labor, because I was feeling really in control and like I was thinking of it as work and muscles, not pain. But when Transition came I was just a helpless pile of person. All I could hope was that this truly was Transition. I thought if this isn't transtion, shoot me...with an epidural! If this isn't transition, I'm a total wimp! I felt unsure that it was because my faith in general in the whole birth thing was shaken by my previous experience, and because I wasn't having contractions as often as I thought they were supposed to come. But the signs that it was transition were that they were killing me every time and double-peaking, shivers and heat, lots of burps, and lots of self-doubt. I told myself that if after an hour or so of this they checked me and not much was happening, I was done, give me the epidural and pitocin or whatever and just get it over with.
When we arrived the nurse hooked me up to an I.V. right away. I thought she was just putting in the stint, but when I looked I was connected to a line and a pole. Even though I was very involved in my contractions and pain, I told her Dr. Newsom told me it would only be a stint and I didn't want to be restricted. I am so glad I did that. I would not have been able to get through otherwise. I was in a million different positions during transition. I felt like an abused rag doll just trying to survive. I was moaning, crying out, biting my hand, clenching my fists. Relaxation my foot! It actually helped and felt a lot better sometimes to fight back in some way. And they forced me to yell, like you would if someone was hurting you. Spencer just kept telling me, your doing great! You are doing it, you can do this. I'm so proud of you! etc. And being there every second to hold me in whatever crazy position, get me a drink, throw a blanket on or off, etc.
The nurse that gave me the I.V. also offered me right away the epidural. ,I said "no thank you" though the self-doubt was already present and though I said the words I didn't feel convinced. After several moaning contractions she said again (in the middle of my pain) "Are you sure you don't want an epidural?" Which I did not appreciate. I'm sure it was not pleasant for her to hear my moans and watch me writhe in despair and that she was being kind, but it wasn't giving me any strength. I said,"I'll let you know." Fortunately she was soon replaced by a midwife who was very non-invasive and just supported me saying, do what you feel is best, follow your instincts, etc. And who had the wisdom not to do another check until she felt some certainty of progress. That came eventually when I said, "I gotta push something!" She said, "if you feel like you need to push, go for it." Once I got the something out, she did another exam, this was probably about a good hour after beginning serious transition. HALLELUJAH again! She announced that I was dilated to an 8 or 9. I cannot adequately describe the feelings that came over both Spencer and I. At this point, regardless of whatever pain, the job was pretty much in the bag. There was no point in getting pain medication now, and we did it! Even though I still had to get her out, the hardest work and pain was close to behind me and it really had been Transition! No wonder it had been so painful. I went from a 1 to a 9 in 1 hour. Many women are already significantly dilated when they reach Transition, but my cervix did the work some do in days or even weeks in 1 hour. It felt so good to know it was going to all be over soon!
Dr. Newsom came when I had already been through some pushing and right away she said "You were right!" She told me later also in many different ways that she was impressed that I followed my instincts and my body and that she was glad she didn't do an induction. It felt really good. So pushing went well, and very soon into it I got lots of positive affirmation and excitement and encouragement from everybody. "Wow! Great job! There she is! We can see the head! You are doing such a great job Harmony! Keep it up." etc. Its so incredibly helpful to have others reporting the progress and keeping your spirits up. It makes the effort of pushing easier knowing its working. I felt her head pop out and from then on I just pushed like the dickens! She had me turn on my side to help in case of shoulder dystocia. I feel like I didn't take breaks, just breaths and gave it all I had every time. As soon as I knew the head was there I just felt like I could get the rest out right away, I think it took two more pushes and then that INCOMPARABLE RELIEF AND JOY LIKE NO OTHER!! You just collapse with relief, fatigue, triumph, joy. The tears flow and you sob in the best way possible. The birth experience is just unbelievable. Is it real? Did that really happen? Did I just do all that and get a healthy baby out of it? Am I really no longer pregnant? These are the thoughts that go through your mind. And you just look at that baby and it is the most AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL thing you've ever seen in your life! Its so euphoric.
SO, I'VE DONE IT!! Dr. Newsom said, "Now its all behind you. You don't have to think about VBAC or shoulder dystocia, etc. You've done it and you know you can." Its true. I really know now what I've wanted to know. What its like to go into labor on my own and be successful on my own without induction/augmentation, without medication. Its a good feeling to know I accomplished that and experienced that. Immediately after I thought, Okay, did it, I'll take drugs next time! But of course time heals all wounds and I've already started thinking, come on it was only 3 hours or so of REAL pain, you could do it again. And let me tell you what's amazing about it.
There is something so spiritual in being connected to pain and life and creation that way. God told Eve that "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children." This is what God intended. I do not judge others' choices in their childbirth, but for me knowing that I am experiencing this God-given pain is spiritual. I feel connected to God, to Eve and also to Christ, in a way that is unique and I feel is a gift from God. Part of this life is to experience the effects of the fall, the sorrow we experience in childbirth is a gift because it is a reminder of our need for God and can bring us closer to Him. Having a glimpse of excruciating pain in a way that is "natural" and normal, the way God intended babies to come, is also a way to come closer to Christ. He suffered incomprehensibly more, yet feeling wrenched as I did with pain, I felt closer to His experience. A verse that I feel applies so well to Birth from the scriptures is in Alma 36:20-21 "And Oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea , I say unto you, my son that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nohin gso exquisite and sweet as was my joy." That is giving birth. It is a moment where you become the human experience, joy and pain, sweetness and sorrow. Where you feel real and alive. And you are not just suffering and feeling joy, you are bringing life into the world, and so you become one with God also. You are providing a body for one of His Spirit Children. The whole thing while the most insanely painful experience I've yet to have, is the most beautiful experience as well, if thought of in light of these things. Its also such a bonding and spiritual experience for husband and wife. You are so dependant on one another and so united in your goal. Spencer and I felt so close and connected. The love is tangible and you need each other. Its BEAUTIFUL and peaceful and heavenly. i feel like it affords us a chance to feel one with god, with nature, with Womenkind, with our Spouse and with our Savior.
My heart goes out to anyone who gives birth and then loses the child or has the strength and courage to give the baby to an adopting couple. I can't imagine doing that work without the end result of a baby. I also know that there are plenty of women who do not experience childbirth this way, or at all, for many differen reasons, so I do not believe it is a necessary experience, but I'm so grateful and amazed at the chance I've had to experience natural childbirth. I believe all of it, pain included, is a gift from God that allows us a spiritual opportunity like no other. I feel very blessed I had that opportunity, that I have such a wonderful husband, and that it ended in a beautiful, healthy baby.
Will I go natural again? Ask me in a couple of years!
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Christmas report 08
Cado Geneve Paisley
